The Gladys Plant

January 30, 2019 49 Comments

1991

Alive in her heart and memories

I was watering my plants this morning and a sweet, sweet memory popped into my head.

I once had a friend named Mary. She was a bright force in our world… full of joy, energy, compassion, and integrity. She lost her life in a car accident when she was about 28 years or so. It was a very difficult time for many of us who adored Mary.

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During my grieving period, another friend, Lisa, and I happened to have made a date for a walk around Greenlake. I used to love walking dates with friends (pre-kids!). As Lisa and I walked, I poured out my grief and so many memories. Lisa was a gift that day. The next day, when I got home from work, there was a plant start in a canning jar sitting on my front porch. It had a beautiful little note attached, “Karla, I was honored to walk in your grief with you yesterday. This is your Mary Plant. It is a way to remind yourself that Mary is still alive in your heart and in your memories. With love, Lisa”

This was about 5 years before my first daughter, Alice, came to my home. Alice was a little 4-year-old in a lot of pain. She raged about 5-10 times a day… wordless screams with kicking, throwing things, spitting, hitting. She had good reason and, while I took a lot of training and worked closely with a therapist, many of my responses were spur of the moment and instinctual. Things were so furious and unpredictable that I rarely had time to check in with ‘the experts.’ Alice had witnessed her mother’s murder when she was 2 1/2 years old. She sat on the bed with her mother while the most important person in her life was raped and strangled. Alice’s language development stopped in that moment. Her brain was forever altered by the trauma and the onslaught of bio-neurological chemicals that flooded her body. And with no language to help process everything, the pain and fury kept exploding.

About 3 months after Alice came to my home, she was raging one day and happened to grab my Mary Plant. I jumped up to disengage her and told her that it was special to me, because it reminds me of my friend Mary, who had died. Alice froze. The screaming stopped. And she let go of the plant saying, “Mary DIED?” It was a stunning moment, as Alice had NEVER stopped mid-rage on her own. I drew her onto my lap and explained that I loved Mary and that she died in a car accident and my friend Lisa gave me the Mary Plant to help me remember Mary and to keep her in my heart. Alice repeated over and over, “Mary DIED?”

Over the next few days, Alice asked me again and again, “Tell Mary story.” So I repeated it again and again. I FINALLY got a clue one day and asked her if she knew anyone who had died. She nodded and said, “Gladys.” That was her mother. In that moment I told Alice that I think she is very sad because Gladys died. She nodded. I asked her if she wanted a Gladys planted. She nodded, then threw her little arms around my neck. We went to buy a Gladys Plant that afternoon.

Alice carried her Gladys Plant around EVERYWHERE for over a month. And she repeatedly asked me, “Tell Gladys story.” It became a mantra, “Gladys was a mommy who loved her little girl, Alice, very, very much. A bad person hurt Gladys and she died. So we got a Gladys Plant to remind Alice that her mommy loved her very much and that she will always be alive in her heart.” If I altered the words in any way, she made me start over again.

The rages decreased to 1-3 times a day. In the blink of an eye, we had found some simple words (and non-words) to help express Alice’s grief and pain. The image with this post is a descendent of that first Gladys Plant. Over the past 27+ years, we have managed to keep Gladys’ love alive in Alice’s heart.

~~~~~

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49 Comments

  1. Reply

    Nicki

    April 22, 2019

    They say “everything happens for a reason”. Amazing that you were able to connect with that child. Great story. Thank you for sharing.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 22, 2019

      It was definitely a ‘meant to be’ time! Thanks for coming over to read. Happy Spring! Karla

  2. Reply

    Annette

    April 20, 2019

    Such an amazing story. The connection of life and death with the plant is amazing. I’m sure there is some extra help from above that keeps that Gladys plant alive. Her mom is always with her. Such an amazing gift you gave her.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 20, 2019

      Thank you, Annette. I KNOW that the Spirit is constantly moving through our life as a family. There are so many of these connections that are Spirit led. I am full of community, support, family and love! Thanks for coming over to read!!!! Karla

  3. Reply

    T.M. Brown

    April 17, 2019

    What a unique and beautiful way to connect!!! I love that you were able to share that moment with Alice and find a way to soothe her and relate.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 18, 2019

      Thank you! My best moments with my kids, and some of the most healing ones just happen without any plan or forethought at all. I just take cues from the children and try to pay attention to what they are telling me. Thanks for coming over to read. Happy Spring to you! Karla

  4. Reply

    Angela Greven | Mean Green Chef

    April 16, 2019

    What an absolutely touching story, I cried and I’m no crier. Such a Blessing that you, Mary and Lisa gave that little girl on her journey through grief at such a young age. It’s truly a wonderful idea and I can see how it could help in the healing process of losing a loved one. Thank you so much for sharing this will help so many. 🤗🤗🤗 And God Bless your mission in life!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 16, 2019

      Thank you, Angela. I am touched that you called it my mission. That’s exactly what this journey has become for me. I retired from nursing early as this life with these children is who I was meant to be!
      I’m glad you came over to read it. Happy Spring to you! Karla

  5. Reply

    Katie

    April 15, 2019

    This is such a lovely story. What a great and unique way to deal with a hard loss.

    My granny passed away in 2012. Her name was Mary and she was exactly how you described your Mary. They were very special!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 16, 2019

      Thank you, Katie. I’m so glad you had a Mary, too. Perhaps it’s time to find your own Mary plant? 🙂
      Thanks for coming over to read. Happy Spring to you. Karla

  6. Reply

    Brittany

    April 15, 2019

    I got chills reading this. What an amazing story to share!!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 16, 2019

      Thank you, Brittany. I’m glad it touched you. We have a lot of really amazing “connection” stories after 28 years of foster and adoptive parenting. The spirit of the world is constantly leading us to amazing things. Thanks for coming over to read it. Happy Spring to you. Karla

  7. Reply

    Pauline

    April 14, 2019

    Working with kids that have been tramatizec is so hard. It is wonderful and heartfelt that you were able to make that connection with her over your shared grief through a plant. I too have memory plants, as I call them.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 14, 2019

      Thank you, Pauline. Memory plants…. I have several that are not connected to a big story… but the reminder of someone I loved. Raising kids with trauma is hard, joyful, exhausting, life-affirming, and a true blessing. Sounds like you know this somehow. Thanks for reading! Have a happy spring. Karla

  8. Reply

    Jennifer Morrison

    April 14, 2019

    Karla your story touches my heart so deeply. I too adopted children out of Foster Care and we worked through years of various challenges. How wonderful that you were able to continue to work until you found a needed breakthrough. Beautiful work.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 14, 2019

      I think I could tell we were kindred spirits already. It is such a journey! As my tagline says, “Heaping Helpings of Joy and Sorrow.”
      I’d love to hear some of your stories someday. In the meantime, Happy Spring! Thanks for reading!!! Karla

  9. Reply

    Cindy

    April 14, 2019

    What a touching story! I’m so glad you offered healing in this way to a little girl’s broken heart. I hope she has done well!

    In my garden are many plants tucked into the ground or a container to represent a loved one who has passed. It helps. And it honors the memory of who they were.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 14, 2019

      Thank you, Cindy. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Alice has had a rocky time all along… long periods of healing, but deep, severe PTSD, which is just not fair to her, but part of her life. She continues to be close to me, though, which I’m thankful for! More Alice stories to come…she part of some of my deep sorrows. BUT, I have 4 of her children in my home and they make the whole journey worth it! Plants are, indeed, healing! I’m glad to hear it’s your practice, too. Some must be coming to life right now if they are outside. Happy Spring! Karla

  10. Reply

    Michele

    April 13, 2019

    What a wonderful story! Such a beautiful way to remember loved ones and to help a young child find their voice.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      Thank you, Michele. I’m glad you enjoyed it. My kids, all of them, have made me a richer and much more mindful parent. I am blessed!
      Happy Spring to you! Karla

  11. Reply

    Lina

    April 13, 2019

    What a beautiful story! It brought tears to my eyes. You were able to help her with the Gladys plant. I love that idea 💕

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      Thank you, Lina, for taking the time to give me a note. It is one of my favorite memories as a parent! I am blessed by my journey!
      Happy Spring to you. Karla

  12. Reply

    Anonymous

    April 13, 2019

    Beautiful story to share and remember your loss.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      Thank you. It’s such a wonderful memory for us.

  13. Reply

    Anonymous

    April 13, 2019

    Oh my, Karla – what a beautiful and heart-warming story. I was brought to tears! I’m sure it was so rewarding to have this small break-through and connection with Alice and she now has a channel for her grief. The kindness and compassion that Lisa showed you was paid forward to Alice and now to the rest of us. Thank you for sharing!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      Oh, Thank you for your beautiful note. I have been amazed at how much the big and small things I receive from my community and family become healing for my kids, too. I am blessed! Happy Spring to you. Karla

  14. Reply

    Kim

    April 13, 2019

    What a beautiful story. This brought tears to my eyes. Although a little child should never lose their Mother, it sounds like the two of you were brought together for a reason. She is so lucky to have you and the plant to remind her how much she is loved.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      And I am lucky to have her! She has taught me so much and we have grown together. So many of the moments that brought steps of healing were just inspiration or spirit led as we interacted. I am blessed and richer because of all of my kids! Thank you for coming over to read! Happy Spring to you. Karla

  15. Reply

    jen

    April 13, 2019

    I love the idea of connecting a plant with a loved one. I recently found out you can get a tree that came from a cutting from places like George Washington’s home, Thomas Jefferson’s home, and other really cool places. Plants keep memories alive. Love it.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      Thanks for writing, Jen! We have a lot of plants here with special meanings. I’ve never heard of the cuttings, but that sounds SO COOL! Do you have a resource? Memories are gifts! Happy Spring to you! Karla

  16. Reply

    Junell DuBois

    April 13, 2019

    What a heartbreaking story. Sounds like you entered that little girls life right at the time she needed you the most!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      Thank you for taking the time to write, Junell ! To be honest, she entered my life at just the right time, too. I have blessed over and over again by each of my kids… I can’t help but mend some of my hurts as I walk the healing journey with them. My life is rich! Happy Spring to you. Karla

  17. Reply

    Meagan

    April 13, 2019

    I am in tears… What a beautiful way that you were able to reach your daughter through all that pain. My heart just hurts thinking about that little baby going through this. I’m so glad that she came to someone like you.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      Thank you, Meagan. I didn’t intend to make anyone cry. 🙂 But I’m glad I can touch and inspire folks. That’s my main purpose for writing. All of my kids have heartbreaking stories and we are growing and flourishing together. I am nourished by friends and family and in turn, have the heart to nourish little ones. Thanks for taking the time to read! Happy Spring, Karla

  18. Reply

    Leigh Ann

    April 12, 2019

    This is a wonderful story of connection and communication between you and your daughter. Your friend Lisa was so understanding and gave a gift that was so powerful. I really enjoyed reading this!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 13, 2019

      Thank you very much, Leigh Ann. Many of my stories from over the years have overlaps of friends and generations that connect to help one of my kids. It’s pretty cool! Thanks for coming over to read. Happy Spring, Karla

  19. Reply

    Tricia Snow

    April 11, 2019

    I am sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 11, 2019

      Thank you, Tricia. Thank you, too, for coming over to read. I appreciate it! Happy Spring! Karla

  20. Reply

    Heather

    April 11, 2019

    What a beautiful story. I am so sorry for your loss.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 11, 2019

      Thank you, Heather. It always helps when others acknowledge loss. Thank you, too, for taking the time to read. Happy Spring! Karla

  21. Reply

    Nikki

    April 11, 2019

    Karla what a beautiful story! Thank you for all you have done and still do to help kids in need. How incredible that you were able to connect with her over your grief and that by showing her there are ways to stay connected to those you love that are gone. And I love the plant idea. When my best friend’s daughter died at 19 months I bought her a Cherry Tree – her favorite. It has been 17 years and we have moved (professionally) that tree 3 times and every year, while everything else to still getting over winter – that tree blooms!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 11, 2019

      Thank you, Nikki! Isn’t it cool that plants are such a source of love and comfort. Life, renewal, memories, love. What a special tree! And what a special friend! Thanks for coming over to read. Happy Spring! Karla

  22. Reply

    Suzan

    April 11, 2019

    I join the others in stating what a beautiful sentiment, a name-bearing plant. You were able to give Alice a representation of the love for her mother that she could physically hold on to. Truly inspirational. Thank you for sharing this.

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 11, 2019

      Thank you, Suzan. I am hoping that my stories and our journeys will be inspirational to others. The foster care journey is not for the faint of heart, but the heart I have grown with my kids all these years is well worth the journey. Thanks for finding me here. Happy Spring! Karla

  23. Reply

    Carolina

    April 11, 2019

    This is such a beautiful story. I love the idea of the “Gladys Plant” it is such a great way to know that even though the person we lost is no longer here with us, it is still alive in our hearts and in our minds. My grandma just lost a son and I think she would love a “William Plant”.
    Very beautiful story, thank you so much for sharing!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 11, 2019

      Thank you, Carolina! I’m so glad you were inspired. That is my goal in writing, so you made my day with your note! Please send my best to your grandma. You are welcome to share my story when she receives her William Plant. Wonderful! Karla

  24. Reply

    Holly Bird

    April 11, 2019

    Karla, what a truly wonderful story. I am so sorry for your loss, you used it to help you to connect with a child…AMAZING!!

    • Reply

      Karla

      April 11, 2019

      Thank you, Holly! It always amazes me how hearts can connect in so many different ways!!! Thanks for joining me here today. Happy Spring! Karla

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