Listen

January 20, 2022 35 Comments

There are SO many levels to being a parent and so, so many more layers when we parent children with trauma and so, so, so many more layers when said children are people of color.

Our world is (rightfully so) coming to terms with some hard history related racism.  I, too, am still on a steep learning curve regarding this as a privileged white woman.  In hindsight, it is some gall to have assumed that I could raise any child not of my own race. 

But…. It happened and is still happening (the raising of children) and I have and continue to learn hard things.  I do not live in their skin and I make mistakes all the time.

Here is what I HAVE learned… to listen.  That is ALL I can do.  When I listen, I learn.  And when I learn, I live differently.  I have learned to listen to learn.

I was a long way day the road of parenting my first daughter before I got even an inkling that I should remain quiet.  With her biological family, with her Native American community, and with her trauma I tried to ask questions at first.  I asked about culture and activities and skills.  I asked about events and customs.  I was met with one- or two-word answers. 

It was uncomfortable and entirely unsatisfying to feel shut out, so I asked fewer and fewer questions.  Guess what?  That’s when I started hearing what I needed to learn.  So I asked less, then even less, and pretty soon, I was as silent as I’d ever been in my white, take charge, do-gooder life… and that is the point that my education began. 

After a while, the ONLY questions I asked were about when we could visit/join in next; where should we be and what time should we be there.  And as an outsider, I would bring my daughter and my knitting or quilting and just sit.  It was not my world, nor even my place to be there, except I had this child who needed to be there.

From there, from child to child and family to family, I stopped trying to be the voice to or for my children about ANYTHING related to their history or race or first family.  I decided that my role was not to teach, but to bring my children to those who had the right and the desire to teach and train and nurture in their way.

And in that process, I have learned SO much.  What I have learned is not mine to pass on to my children.  It is mine to inform ME on what my actions can be within their reality – what is my role to raise these children to be empowered, valid, valuable and integral persons within their chosen journeys. 

My children, and all who have skin colors that are different than mine are the ones who will continue to teach our world what is right regarding their history and their experiences and their path to healing and reparation.  In the meantime, I will still make a lot of mistakes, but I will do my best to just stand right next to them and say only, “Yes!  THAT!”

If you want to read more about any of the kids’ journeys, click on their name under categories to the right –>
I’d really love to have you along for the journey! Sign up here to get email notes every time I post a new article. There are a lot more stories to come!!!

35 Comments

  1. Reply

    Maria Khan

    March 14, 2022

    interesting post!

  2. Reply

    Sabrina DeWalt

    January 30, 2022

    I was happy to see that you were open to realizing that you just needed to listen.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      I thank you! The learning to listen was one part. Learning to NOT speak was even harder!

  3. Reply

    Danielle

    January 30, 2022

    Very insightful. Parenting is such a delicate art, that’s for sure.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      “Delicate art” I love that imagery! I am constantly learning because parenting is constantly changing!!!!

  4. Reply

    Barbara

    January 29, 2022

    YOU have a big heart and a willingness to love and nurture! You are special! Keep up the hard work!

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Thank you, Barbara. The willingness and love is quite reciprocated with my kids. I am nurtured as much as (or more so) than I give. But that is relationships, right?

  5. Reply

    Alice

    January 28, 2022

    As the mother of two adopted biracial kids I can understand a little what you go through. My kids are young adults now and there are things I wish I had paid more attention to their African American side of them. They were raised in a small rural town with very few black people to relate to and I couldn’t move.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      So you have great insight! There are a lot of things I wish I’d known so long ago… when you know better, you do better. Have you had this conversation with them? Not to blame, but to learn what might help growth, even now.

  6. Reply

    Cindy

    January 26, 2022

    What an insightful post. I love it! It’s a lesson we all need to learn…to listen.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Thank you, Cindy! Learning to listen is HARD! For me, at least. I like to hear my own thoughts way too often!

  7. Reply

    Cindy Campbell

    January 26, 2022

    Sitting back and listening is such great advice for any parent. It is also a very difficult skill to learn.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      You have no idea how difficult it is! Thank you, Cindy! I continue to grow every day.

  8. Reply

    Suzan

    January 26, 2022

    Listening is an art. One that is often neglected yet so important!

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Yes, Suzan! But not only listening… the next part is to NOT speak. Let the learning lead to actions, not more words!

  9. Reply

    Keirsten

    January 25, 2022

    What an invaluable lesson to learn. We all want to make sure we’re doing the right thing but sometimes we get in our own way by being too much. I love your approach and how much insight you’ve gained from listening. Beautiful message, thank you.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Thank you, Keirsten!!!! That’s a good way to put it… getting in my own way. I love the sound of my voice way too much!!!! The kids and their families have taught me SO much!

  10. Reply

    Cecile Leger

    January 25, 2022

    We learn so much by listening to listen and not to respond. You are an amazing mom. You saw exactly what your children needed the most.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Thank you. Cecile, the hardest thing for me is to NOT explain anything that is not mine to explain. I can only speak from my own place in the world. And just to clarify…. I rarely know what my kids need the most until after the fact. LOL It’s a journey!!!!

  11. Reply

    Sabrina

    January 25, 2022

    Yes, listen and then learning all you can. But most of all it is about your love for all children. Your willingness to raise them as your own despite their race. I commend you for this love. It is the only way to cancel out hate. Thank you.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Thanks, Sabrina.
      I’m only a small piece in this huge bright world. I’m hoping it’s my kids who make all the difference that needs to happen!

  12. Reply

    Terra

    January 25, 2022

    This is such a powerful message! I have never thought of the implications of raising a child with a different culture but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with it.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Thank you, Terra. This is so important in parenting children that were not born to you, but also in all relationships! And it’s not just about culture, but about everything another human experiences!

  13. Reply

    Tiffany

    January 25, 2022

    My mom was more into my heritage than I was. It took a long time for me to be interested in learning about it on my own. It’s hard when you feel like you are being forced to do something rather than given an opportunity to want to do it

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Yes, Tiffany! I try to be aware of where my kids are at with everything. My role is just to make sure the learning is there for them when they are ready. I can’t force anyone to receive anything, but I, at the very least, do not want to be the reason that it didn’t happen!

  14. Reply

    Chelsea

    January 24, 2022

    I can’t imagine the challenges you’ve faced, but I love that you see how your kids can teach you and how you’ve learned from them. Thankfully, the world is opening up their view and acceptance to hear the stories of those who’ve been silenced for far too long.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      “Those who have been silenced for far too long.” Exactly! Chelsea, you do understand. It is hard for me to not be a voice! Karla

  15. Reply

    Charity

    January 24, 2022

    This is such a great post. I am not a parent yet, but I am sure parents right now appreciate it!

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Thanks, Charity. It is good to remember this in all relationships. It carries forward into parenting.
      Karla

  16. Reply

    Alicia

    January 24, 2022

    What a great perspective! My husband and I hope to adopt, so this was very informative for me. I never want to come across as knowing it all… in any area, but especially when it comes to race. Thanks for your thoughts.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Thanks, Alicia! Adoption! Yay! But it is a hard and at times confusing. Just being in a space and listening is hard for me, but has been my greatest tool! Blessings on your journey!
      Karla

  17. Reply

    Lisa

    January 24, 2022

    It is a learning process but I think there is hope for all us to be more kind, understanding, and accepting of everyone.

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      Yes! And to let them have their own voices! That’s the piece we often miss. Thanks, Lisa!
      Karla

  18. Reply

    Cheryl Kacynski

    January 21, 2022

    Karla I have come a long way from that shy insecure person you knew back at old MC. I like to think I grew in many ways, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. Re connecting with you and keeping up with you and your wonderful family has meant a lot to me. I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers daily and will continue to follow your story. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us and I am out here listening and trying to learn too. Thank you my friend!❤🙏

    • Reply

      Karla

      February 9, 2022

      This means a lot to me, Cheryl! I value your friendship and support! I think we would have fun hanging out over dinner sometime! Hugs, dear one.
      Karla

LEAVE A COMMENT

Yes, I would like to receive emails from More On My Plate. Sign me up!


By submitting this form, you are consenting to receive marketing emails from: . You can revoke your consent to receive emails at any time by using the SafeUnsubscribe® link, found at the bottom of every email. Emails are serviced by Constant Contact

RELATED POSTS